I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
