trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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