Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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