He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
