Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
