it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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