so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
