Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
