I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
