Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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