Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
