sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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