What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
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she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
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Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
And then he peed in my hair
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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