I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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