I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she peed on how many people?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
