Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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