One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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