The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
