i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
