I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just found puke in my bra..
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
