I wish you could order shots online.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
