im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
