I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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