Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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