I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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