the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
