he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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