i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
