he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
