I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
