my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
