if only i could text you this smell
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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