True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
