Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
