On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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