I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
