I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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