I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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