idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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