Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
