dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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