True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
