i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
