I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
