with your own penis?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
