We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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