Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
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i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
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You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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