I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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