my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
