I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
how does that bad decision feel?
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