Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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