I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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