did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
