Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
