hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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