Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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