i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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